Amy Key, Arrangements in Blue

A few weeks ago I read Amy Key's deeply personal book Arrangements in Blue where she shares her experience of living without romantic love, which is she deeply wants but also feels conflicted about insofar as she does not want to be defined by its absence. It is clear that Key's life is rich with friendship and all kinds of love, not least the love she has for and receives from her two cats. 

Key's book is extremely honest and vulnerable, deeply moving and relatable – it is also absolutely fearless and articulates those dark corners of our minds where ugly thoughts appear, those thoughts that trigger the protective instinct to hide them from others, especially those we love the most. Her reflections on motherhood (and the becoming mothers of those around her) and her experience of deciding she wants to be a mother and then finding herself no longer pursuing the steps that she would need to take to get her there reflected a lot of conversations I've been having with close friends lately about life stages, presences/absences of a partner and a desire to have children.

I loved the duality and multiplicity of this book and its unwillingness to shy away from complicated, simultaneous urges and emotions. Key proposes an alternative approach to these feelings (love, hate, friendship, jealousy, envy, appreciation, care, resentment, obsession, disgust, generosity, possessiveness, etc), which more often than not, fight against one another. Instead, in her radical candour, Key not only admits the concurrence of these conflicting feelings, but through her writing and emotional work, finds a way to allow and accept their coexistence, a process that I think brings one closer to a more authentic experience of oneself and others, opening a space to love more immensely and truly. 

Woven into the book's chapters is Key's love for and mis/interpretation of Joni Mitchell's album Blue (a personal favourite of mine) and how she has for decades relied on this album not only for companionship, but also as a place onto which she could project her emotions and experiences.